Because

Lol.

Where to start?

As it is doing me?

How is it doing me?

“I will love you faithfully, forever unconditionally…”

You make promises and then you break them. Always. Forever. Like you control life.

No matter what. Through it all; Like you even know what that means.

Or maybe you do. But you don’t understand.

Love is patient. Love is kind.

How patient? How kind?

You start of hopeful, but then you hear that you have to be smart, you have to do it this way and that way, because well, that’s how to make it work. You realise early enough that you probably have to choose between falling in love and being smart because you don’t see how you can do the two.

Love for you is giving yourself to another person, totally, completely.
Giving them all of you, knowing that they can ruin you, basically. That can not be a smart thing to do.

But you plan to fall in love anyway. It is worth it. You already promise your unconditional love.

And then they come in to your life. And you show them the love. It’s like you have just been storing your love in a jar, Jars. Waiting. And you love them. Love them. Love and love and love.

And they hurt you, but you forgive them because; Love is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.

Then even after everything you have put in, it still ends and you are just…

Because you just knew didn’t you?

You could tell by the way they smiled like Cece said. You saw it in their brown eyes like Destiny’s child.

But it still ended. Why? You had plans. You thought…

You are broken and hurt and weary.

But you tell yourself that the right one is coming. So you leave yourself open so that you don’t lock the right one out.

It’s the whole process over again.

You start to store in your jars. Little dozes of love everyday, gift ideas, moments unshared. Every song, picture, you just save and save because the right one is coming and these things have to be in place for them.

And not just the good, pretty things. The scars and sad stories they’d have to heal and hear too. Because only them will understand.
But you are fine and then they come in without warning, without permission. Into your life, they fill a space you didn’t know was missing. Your life is not just your life anymore. And you make plans; The house with the white sheets, Fashion shows and pretentious wine.

They change you. They leave you irretrievablely different. And you think, this is it. It doesn’t get better than this.

And you wake up one day and they are just… gone. You would think that they were not there but you can still smell them, you can still feel the wound from the place in your life from where they just snatched themselves.
And you wail and cry and use words like Broken and damaged to describe yourself and you swear you’d never be in this place ever again.

You promise yourself that you’d be careful, that you’d love smart, that you’d love least.

And then on an exceptionally cold night, you find yourself listening to Cece Winans, and with tears streaming down your face, you sing along;

“I will love you faithfully, forever unconditionally…”

You snap out of it and you pick your paper and your pen to write about the pain of the last love lost so that you remind yourself why you never want to feel such pain in your life again.

You don’t. You smile as you read the little words on the pen that say “Love always hopes.”

Then you laugh, because you know you’ll go through the whole process again.

You’ll try and try and try. And try. Because love always hopes, because you are a lover, because because.

Because.

— Nene (@ritzyliciousme)

Read her piece from last year here Return Mail: Hold My Hand