Closer Than You Know

Ahh Jesus, babe.

We’re here; about to do this.

I want to open my soul so you can see inside.

I have all of this…this…thing that I want to give you. It’s rich and big and full and beautiful. I want to give you all at once and all forever.

My heart is full. Like, do you understand that my heart is full? I’m having difficulty putting the words together. Those vows I wrote, the ones I’m reading out to you in few minutes, are not enough. No words are enough.

Lol, this may not make sense.

You made everything make sense. Every heart ache, every disappointment, every mistake. Every blessing, every lesson, every turn in this journey that has been my life so far; it all made sense when you showed up.

And now this life, I give to you today. Wholly, totally. Made to wear, fit for purpose.

I’m not afraid to love you. Not afraid to let you see. Because you have taken it all and made it beautiful and wondrous and magic. And you have given and given and given.

Look, I love you forever.

No matter what, you are my gift from God without repentance and I love you forever.

Thank you for seeing me.

Thank you for giving me reason.

Daddy will hand me over to you in a few minutes, but you should know that I am giving myself to you. Today and every day, for the rest of our lives, and then some.

***

“Hey”

“Whoa, you look…wait, what are you doing here? You can’t let him see you yet…hold up, are you okay? Those had better be happy tears madam.”

“Help me give this to him, will you?”

“What is it? You’re not calling this off are you? So these are not happy tears? Oh wait, that’s not even possible. This is probably some cheesy note I know. Ugh, you guys disgust me I swear. Like, are you the first to love…?”

“Oh just shut up and give it to him. If you go now, I may even hook you up with a bridesmaid.”

***

Don’t turn your eyes from me

For my love won’t be undone

My God, you’re beautiful.

Just look at you.

Don’t hide your face from me

For my light has surely come

I’m glad we picked this song.

I’m glad you’re the one walking down this aisle, towards me.

Lift up your eyes and see

Heaven is closer than you know

Just look at you.

You’re my heaven, Ima.

My reward, my blessing. My evidence of His love.

Lift up your voice and sing

Know that my love won’t let you go

Haha, I’m excited woman!

This life that we’re about to start. You have me, okay?

Always. Forever. Totally. Wholly.

 

 

Of Healing and Staying Healed

You’re healed.

You’re eating again, smiling again, taking pleasure in the little things; even glowing. Your friends say you’re glowing. Books are interesting again, Music is rhythmic again. Love is desired again, and no longer banished forever. These days when you laugh, no sorrow falls out.

But out of the blue he texts you. Something seemingly innocuous, like “Hey, see our game last night?”

And all of a sudden you’re not healed again. The dam bursts and the waters of unwanted feeling rush at you like it’s nobody’s business, not even yours- happiness that he’s texted you, pain because he hurt you, anger because why now, and something else that you can’t quite find the word for…longing maybe, because you still want him. And mad. You’re mad because you’ve given yourself ‘the talk’. The one that itemizes all the reasons he’s not the one. The one that rationalizes the situation; not in an ‘everything happens for a reason’ type of way, but in a ‘this thing happened for a reason’ type of way. Heck, you even learned all the lessons.

The lessons. You remember the lessons. How the timing wasn’t right. How you were in different emotional spaces. How you both saw the end coming afar off but still dove in anyway, because feelings. You remember calling a meeting to go over these things with your head and heart; giving them both a stern talking to, and making them promise to do better next time. You remember the time. The time you lost agonizing over the situation, and getting over the loss. You remember the time it took you to move forward, time which you will never get back. The time it took you to get to this place. This place where everything is fine again.

You look in the mirror, and all of a sudden, his text, as innocuous as poison ivy, doesn’t matter anymore. You like who you are again. You’re eating again, smiling again, taking pleasure in the little things; even glowing. Your friends say you’re glowing. Books are interesting again, Music is rhythmic again. Love is desired again, and no longer banished forever. These days when you laugh, no sorrow falls out.

You’re healed goddamn it, and by Jove you intend to stay that way.

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